wear old or second hand clothes), complain that I dont go on family holidays (that cost a couple of thousand), and loudly complain that Im a loser for sponging off my parents (despite me paying off my parents mortgage). The money issue is a symptom, the love issue is the disease. My mother in law and father in law helped them with the house, baby-sit constantly and pay some of their bills (I know this because they told me and husband). But are the parents really helping when they keep their daughter dependent and allow her to never learn to be financially responsible? Why do you think you or your sibling was the favorite? If your sister or your parents keep telling you whats happening between them, TELL THEM TO STOP. My husband and I have created our own holiday traditions and were happy. I felt really sad reading the letter too, because I can relate to it both from my experience growing up and my husbands. You were very on point before, so try that. lets_be_honest He worked hard for that money, I hope he gets to enjoy it! Thats what I finally did. I love being able to buy (smaller) stuff for my parents now, too, like getting the bill when Im out to dinner with my mom. Id be a little ashamed to need help, if I were the sister. That was the first time it ever hit me that he might feel, or have felt, that hes living in my shadow to some extent. To be honest, this tidbit is just the tip of the iceberg that is her lifelong dysfunction. I hurt! Hey, BGM and I are not the same person so please dont put his words in my mouth. iwannatalktosampson November 20, 2013, 12:38 pm. Why do my parents favor my sister over me. Skyblossom is right that you can only control how you deal with your family and how much interaction you have. Its not like Im looking forward to spending their money when theyre gone or something. Youre totally right! November 20, 2013, 10:59 am. My sister on the other hand, is 18 years old and my parents pay for every single thing for her. The Prodigal Son (Daughter) is the so old that it is biblical. I know you think your sister is irresponsible, and you may very well be right about that, but its not your parents fault that thats the case. So, my mom sent me flowers a few weeks ago because I was depressed. OK no video games for a WEEK! No need to mention that they helped your sister, they already know that you know, right? It sounds like right now she needs reassurance from her parents of their love an support (Its no secret that they love her more than they love me) and in my opinion, thats ok. I wouldnt ask my parents for money unless my life depended on it, and feel kind of embarrassed when they offer it unsolicited. Accepting on the other hand well an elder and wiser member of my family once said Dont turn anyone down offering you free money or food (if there are no strings attached) so I try to live my life that way, not as a mooch, but as a grateful and thankful acceptor of generosity and I like to think I give as well as receive , AliceInDairyland I cant reply above, Shade is casual but intentional rudeness. They have a daughter they love very much who is asking for help, not just for her, but for her baby now, too. Mumbai (Maharashtra) [India], September 8 (ANI): Actor Kamaal Rashid Khan or as many know him KRK continues to stay in judicial custody for controversial tweets he posted in 2020. On one hand, it would bother me if we (me or my parents) were giving her a bunch of money. My folks are very supportive of me, and will still buy me lunch when we meet up, or bring me a candy bar just little things that are part of their way of showing that they love me. I cant believe more on here dont see this point. While I dont blame her for the petty tit-for-tat thoughts (Ive done it too, in my weaker moments), I do think the amount of thought and emotional effort shes put into this is insane. She is just taking advantage of them because she knows she can get free money rather than having to budget like a normal person. In some families money does equal love, or is the only way it is shown. Its hard because I think we all have moments of I want what they have! My hair stylist moved to California, my close girlfriend moved to California, the Kid was getting ready to leave, I had a breast biopsy, and I started my effing period, and got a chest cold. lets_be_honest This is getting annoying. Keepingmyheadabovewater To just give to one all the time is not right! Ive seen the same dynamic play out in my step-dads family. Perhaps as in it doesnt really matter if people get pissed or not, because neither changes the actual situation? Just cut them out of your life and be at peace with your husband. I would never want them to have worked hard and not get to do what they want with their money. Any money she gives to her daughter is automatically deducted from the amount her daughter will receive so my husband will receive a larger inheritance than his sister will. It just seems vengeful to me. I get jealous when I see her spending on things she wouldnt be able to afford if she had student loans, because I know that if my parents had taken all the money they spent on her and split it in half, Id be the debt-free one, not her. It involves a series of self-justifications to commit a series of acts which are concealed, during which a wall and gate are erected, and which establishes and communicate an intentional rift between a them and an us. I dutifully call her once every other week and send her cards on the appropriate holidays and presents when needed. The reasons? And Im worried about it being seen as unfair even though none of this has even happened yet. There are people who adjust their will according to how much money they have given one child before they die. They are the heads of that nuclear family. And you love your mum. I loved your comment Skyblossom. Secondly, youre not in a position to call other people sanctimonious when the only reason you normally crawl out of your hole to comment is to say something nasty about how everyone else on this forum isnt as enlightened as you are. My mother even puts gas in my sisters car every week. I know when I have my own grown kids, I will see how much I have to give and split that among all kids evenly. Stop trying to make fetch happen, Gretchen. You say yourself that its split evenly. First of all, I dont care that you play a sassy gay man on the internet, you do not get to call me bitch.. My experience is that a parent who favors a child makes excuses for that child during their entire childhood. I didnt see anyone comment on the grandchildren aspect of this. If the LW had framed this letter in a different way, I think that a lot of the responses would be very different. I have grown to hate my parents because of how pathetic they fall for my brothers games. But I dont resent the extra help my brother got for a second because he NEEDED it. But (assuming what you say about their playing favorites is true): a) from the outside, it looks like a situation where non-favoritist parents would also be helping your sister more than you right now, simply because she needs it more; b) she is probably this irresponsible BECAUSE they spoiled her, meaning they did you a favor in some senses by not letting you grow up that way, and c) no matter how much money they give you it will never make up for the fact that they played favorites. And then try to just let go of the guilt and be grateful. Honey, remember they are taking care of your sister because they feel they need to. The family was traveling to Heather Rae and Tarek's "Flipping Summit," a large real estate event in Arizona. She hasnt cut her off, but she has pulled back. Thats why I tried to reframe it by telling the LW to reflect on how she FEELS about the situation, especially how she feels less loved by her parents, and resolve those feelings. Instead my sister eats up his retirement check every month. As I said above, having been in a situation where my sister got more, I understand the jealousy/resentment, but her reaction (particularly all the ruminating shes done over her parents wills) is extreme. For instance, my sister has sometimes voiced that shes a little unhappy that my parents helped me with my first year and a half of professional school, when they didnt help her at all. Knowing that has really helped our relationship, and helped our relationships with our parents. I think I might feel the same way if the situation were reversed as long as they had the same attitude that I do. The only person I see here acting like he thinks hes a saint is you. But I feel like my parents care more about supporting my sister, financially and otherwise, than they care about supporting me. The most they ever gave me was a loan of $50 to tow my used car once when the alternator went out. November 20, 2013, 12:20 pm. NONE. Thats really sweet of you to say, Alice! I suspect its because your tone is so smug and self-righteous its enough to make one physically gag. Theres a huge difference between cosigning on a loan or helping with a down payment, vs. BUYING someone a house. lets_be_honest The world would be a much better place if people stopped expecting handouts. Grilledcheesecalliope Then we should all strive to be more like you, and Id like to think were all at least trying. Apparently everything I say has a bitchy tone, but this honestly isnt meant to. Its all about her and her family only. Also I have the feeling this has a lot to do with your relationship with your mother.If you feel like she loves your sister more then you, thats not ok. You say it like its very clear and the most normal thing in the world. They are total users. She was . Lets just say theres a reason I live at least 5 hours away from my family. Theres not much to do really, other than open your mouth and ask for something if you really really want it. The siblings they saw as having a brighter future and being more able to care for themselves got less money, time, and too often less praise, because of higher expectations. Not the letter. And how would you know who needs what more? What does she do? November 20, 2013, 2:59 pm. November 20, 2013, 10:37 am. 4)Have you considered that to your parents fair might be both children having a similar position in life? November 20, 2013, 3:46 pm. Like fetch. November 20, 2013, 10:49 am. Those benefits go to those who NEED it, not as a reward, but as a survival measure to ensure a basic quality of life. They keep her in check by trouncing on her if she dares assert an observed act of unfairness. Archived post. She lives with our mother, rent free. Im not being nasty to you. They gave her kids lavish gifts (laptops, bikes, designer handbags) for birthdays and Christmas. So I am not speculating on how I WOULD feel but actually how I DO feel. I read this and its exactly how I feel. Maybe, maybe bring this up with your parents privately, but do not start a family fight about this. Because they feel my brother needs them. Karmas a bitch. Family dynamics are so complicated and Im sure the dynamic is more than just about money in general for the LW, and more about love as money, lack of attention and affection, etc. Maybe they do have good reasons. And if they do take over, usually there is a reason. I kind of love that expression. But I even said Im pretty sure I think my dad prefers my siblings over me. I understand the confusion and resentment, OP, and I agree that its a slap in the face. I cant really comment on whether your situation is fair with your parents helping out your sister. They help out his sibling financially but we dont need the money so what they try to do is give my husband special presents to make it even, be it in the form of a nice watch or vacation, I know when I have my own grown kids, I will see how much I have to give and split that among all kids evenly. The lie allows parents to justify favoritism and neglect within a familial separate but equal doctrine, since the law of automatic inheritance (and their will) goes 50/50 so it wont be challenged. You have youre shit together so we dont give you any money because you dont need it. I dont know about your situations but I will try again to articulate what exactly my beef is with the train of thought set out in this letter. I completely agree. Im sorry to all those who say that she should suck it up. (I really hope that doesnt offend anyone who has decided to wait until theyre older to have kids, but its definitely a valid reason to go ahead and have a baby before youre *gasp* out of debt). ), to focus on the love than on the money. I think its less the jealousy/resentment aspects and more the even though we live comfortably, my parents should be altering their will for me!!!! Cause that would be a nasty surprise. Yeaaaahhhh, my head must have been all over the place when I wrote it. I think those who havent personally experienced this have trouble understanding those who do because they cant believe that parents are really that way. But I wouldnt dream of having this talk unless I will find myself in a precarious financial situation from taking care of them. There is no amount of money that will make up for this fact. So a couple things: In my family the least favored child (ok I dont think hes least favorite just that he makes my mom the most sad) is the one that has gotten the most financial help. My Indian girlfriend posted on her Facebook Why do my white friends always act shocked when I tell them my parents still give me money? Oh white folks when will you learn? (Shes a comedian by the way, so not 100% serious). No. Money is a hugely sensitive issue for people as are parent-children relationships-so its understandable this is a more contested letter. Also, no, I think parents money is to be spent however they like. and youd still feel like your parents loved her more than you. What happens when the parents are gone? So, WWS and here is what I would do if I were in your shoes. Sorry! You make assumptions about the relationship your sister has with your parents, but the truth is you dont know everything. I can relate to this. That ended up longer than I intended. Sometimes, I need to re-remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for when I feel like my parents (er, really just my mom) continually pick my sister over me. If spending time with her parents over Thanksgiving is going to be too unpleasant and stressful for her then she shouldnt go. And if you cant get over it then get yourself to therapy so you can grow up. It worked for your sister! I would definitely suggest a therapist to help her through the process of either coming to terms with this or helping her figure out a way to talk to her parents about this, change the conversation. Feel how you want. Favoring one child over the other just seems wrong to me. November 20, 2013, 4:46 pm. However, if you could help us out with X amount of dollars for X years, we could start having children sooner. The LW here should be happy she doesnt need financial support from her parents. They helped me with my student loans worth about tenth the value (which I appreciated). I kind of would like to know so I can ask questions if something isnt clear, (My parents have a lot of assets.) Totally agree! This combined with zero empathy for the LW and only judgement for her unhappiness. But itd be nice if the perfect people remembered that the rest of us are only human, and the path to perfection is a little harder for some of us than others. Weigh carefully what you think youll be getting out of the conversation and how much good you think it will do for you and your parents relationship. Yeah, its not fair. At the end of the day, I dont NEED money from my parents. Both of my younger sibs are most likely not going to get a secondary/graduate degree. Actually it trickled down to grandchildren too. I double checked and the letter does say that, but fair enough. If the LW has no right to say how her parents money is spent, then WE certainly do not. This kind of rivalry among sibling is normal, but youd do better to try and overcome it. Mon., March 29, 2010. Your friends might also have parents who favor their siblings over them, too; talk to them and find out how they cope, or just vent to them. I hope no one is over its usage yet. Thats an interesting thought, and one the LW might want to take a good look at, but, honestly, not everyones parents are good parents. It just means maybe she needs some outside perspective and some ideas about how to improve her relationship with her parents and sister in a way that this wont bother her so much. Still, Ive seen young couples just getting by with several kids and having a great time as they did so, and Ive also seen couples put kids off until some monetary goal and then stress out over almost everything in their zeal to get child rearing perfect. This is the perception that happens. @IWTTS- My parents are the same way. Bitch, please! IS an expression ALL over the internet lately, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bitch%20Please. Do I resent them? She should deal with that head on and forget the money. She and her husband are financially responsible, ambitious, and down-to-earth. You can decide that you wont be like your parents and that if you have more than one child you will treat them equally. If Im going to read this generously, Im going to say that the money here is being used as shorthand for the love, for reasons that people have already mentioned (money being a tangible expression of love, etc. Some day this will all catch up to her. Holiday get together just stink when greedy siblings are always getting extra help. She feels like they love her less in part because they shower money/gifts on the sister, and not her. She hasnt paid into social security. Its worked for my sister. We fight for no child being left behind and giving an equity to education system in school but the family system is less valuable to hold same values? November 20, 2013, 4:05 pm. I cant really imagine thinking like that because like I said my Mom is now the exact opposite. Im sure your parents are proud of your self-sufficiency and so it comes down, to me, whether Id want their respect or their cash. Seems like the LW still has a decent relationship with her parents, she should say something and maybe consider counseling. However, they would never ever ever spend thousands of dollars on a house for either me or my brother. But now that Im living back home in my 30s, they constantly gossip about me behind my back. If your parents were fair it would go a long way making you feel loved for who you are and proud of you for not begging off of them and help your sister to know shes loved equally but has to be as responsible as you. I wouldnt be surprised if they have gotten me and my wife written out of the will by now. It also bothers me to see people getting taken advantage of.I mean, doesnt anyone want to see their parents be able to retire? Its money you wont get until they die anyways, which will hopefully be a long time away. But, my MIL is in heaven because shes getting to be mommy again. 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