I suppose though, our stories are different, we are all going through the same kinda stuff. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. One thing..I guess my instincts were right. If BOTH parties are willing to put in the work. Key signs include: trouble recognizing, expressing, or managing emotions. And what happens (in many cases) when one marriage ends and the person is available? she wasnt with him at home, no bills to share, responsibilities, or familial issuesnot rocket science in my book. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. They had been in a relationship for a little over 3 years. Also, theres not enough money to each be living on our own. So well written and explains so much. Tryingtorecover, Im saddened for you, Im so sorry. Things usually dont chsnge until the fog lifts and they come to their senses and see what the cliched typical mid life crisis damaged. It also strengthens my resolve to keep asking for the truth. I must say that the last 3 years, he has been trying to help me heal, although it has always been difficult for me to ask him questions. I thought our lives were perfect until the day he came home and told me that they were fought by her husband. He stated that he believed I was wrong and they could be friendsright, ultimately and sadly, I was correct. The affair took place for over 11 years on and off and I feel like I lived a lie for half of my marriage. He was smart, left not one text from thousands, so I had no peek into the real truths that reading someones affair texts might allow you. Due to the emotional stress, I had a heart attack a month after finding out about the affair. The AP says they are wonderful and the CS deserves to be happy. You were there. Ive narrowed it down to two criteria My counselor is amazing and she has supported whatever direction I chose to move in. emotional reactions the betrayed have, which only make the CS get so annoyed and defensive. Weve addressed the importance of full disclosure and providing the details of the affair by the cheater a few times. Emotional or physical. I didnt give the letter but paraphrased in my own words. The only power we have is our response. He came home that night and told me that she asked if she could give him a hug at the end of the night. They know its cheating. We dated through high school and we married when I was 22. 10) You won't forget, but forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. He didnt hear , he was too wrapped up in her. Your claiming to want to save your marriage and that you love your spouse and have woken up, yet you still feel the need to not be 100% trqnsparent? If first starts with the cheater and his/her heart, true repentance/deep remorse, and willingness to do anything to rebuild the marriage and family, even if your spouse herself/himself also cheated. But he chooses not to figure out some of the pieces of the puzzle for himself, let alone share them with me. it will be 4yrs this Oct since finding out about my husbands 2 month (that I know) emotional affair at work. of being with him is a long time (a life time, since I was 27), to tell him to leave but I wish I could. A few months ago my husband stumbled. I knew the EA was going on but our pastor and deacon didnt seem to think it was that big of a deal since she said it had stopped (it hadnt). Ive found out little things along the way. When I first found out abut the OW I asked my husband this very question- would he stay with me if the tables were turned and he stated no unequivocally. I want the details, but now they haunt me. Wow- TheFirstWife I can relate to so much of what youre saying and honesty your posts have been a huge support. Every day I live those moments over and over. Suspiciously though, they sent each other the most messages when I was not around and on days they wouldnt work togetherand they worked together a lot. the general facts is important. Will he sleep w/ one eye open the rest of his life? That was his truth at home, I will even believe he believed it. On apple devices you cannot retrieve deleted texts or emails. And the idiots believe they are better than us. Exhibit care, compassion and concern for WS's well being. His justification for that answer is that men having a harder time holding grudges and letting things go than women do. We have moved several hundreds of miles away due to my husbands job change. Would we as the cheating spouse be worth it to them to stay and try to repair, recover and rebuild the marriage? His answer is always the same I dont know. Any secret the betraying spouse keeps from their partner continues to adulterate the marriage. He just took all I had to offer and did nothing. come from this. An emotional affair developed and eventually became sexual. I really dont know anymore I still dont have all the truth, as Im getting a lot of I dont remembers & I dont knows. This was so eloquently expressed, seemingly giving it the best chance to be compassionately received by a responsive partner. When we dont get them it feels like resistance and that resistance is a huge roadblock to moving forward. One front in front of the other and if you can get into therapy please do. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. It has been the longest, blurriest year of my life, and yet I still cant believe that that D day is just around the corner. Blame it on your wife and have an affair. HAHAHA. Thats the message here. Why its my nature to want to know the whys of anything. This is one of the worst situations I have ever read about. It takes a long time to trust again and I believe never trust blindly. We have come so far in our recovery yet not quite far enough. I did walk in on them so I didnt just have to hear the details, but I saw them firsthand. I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. Kate what has been your outcome to your husbands affair? Getting to Complete Honesty After the Affair. Dont give any new information unless your betrayed spouse happens to stumble on it. I could actually see them through the cameras at the bar where he works because I found the password. It is not just the affair, but their justification and how they treat their spouse to get to the point where they can believe they crap they tell themselves. As this built it became easier to be attracted to the loving, doting, and free with meaningless compliments. So when this usually thoughtful person tells me they dont know those answers or cant remember what he was feelingI just dont buy it anymore. He thinks Im obsessed with the details. Have an affair! However he never left me and both times changed his mind within a day. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. This is not where I saw ourselves in our golden years of our retirement!! Your intuition is correct. Wouldnt it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? A betrayed spouse writes to his wife as to why it's so important for him to know the details of the affair. No you CS idiots you are infatuated with some one and missing the ego boost. In my experience and from my perspective almost 3 years past D-Day, even a common sense request like this letter will get a defensive response from many who have chosen to ruin their lives by having an affair. He husband is very wealthy she didnt work being very available. Good luck sweet Karen. His wasnt physical , but on line. I referred it as a request and he said it was a demand..interesting. My 73 year old husband had an emotional affair with a 33 year old employee. I tried this once before about a year ago with no results but this time, I believe he heard me. Blame your wife and have an affair. It doesnt sound corny at all..I am proud of myself for the very same reason. Because it is the way he wants it. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. His truth changed dramatically at that point to wanting to drop it all. For my H, it was true for him that I was this monster 3 years ago whom he could betray. Or in plain English, we are stopping our cheating H from carrying on their affair, even though they know it is wrong. Two years of asking questions and I can move past it. While the husband's stopped all contact with the other woman and doesn't want to dwell on the past, the wife insists on knowing the details. INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. I am not a materialistic person, never have been. I miss him, but I remind myself that theres so much I still dont know and the pain he caused- I may be avoiding more future suffering. But, I have made the commitment to work on the marriage. This is when the betrayed spouse will decide if they want to pursue the relationship or end it. Hearing your stories keeps me going. We had a discussion afterwards which resulted in being told he cooked dinner a few times for his AP. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. Request, not demand that the affair end. Infidelity is about a breach of trust and has to be treated as such. (Please dont do this, sweet mothers!) You can also subscribe without commenting. One size does not fit all here. So, you want me to be okay with everything. she was so attractive in all the things she did and represented though her husband afforded that. He realizes what a mistake he made. HI SI, we surely didnt block you so I have no idea why that would have happened. Then he bought some new beard oil to make his beard smell goodall odd. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. My question is do you think your spouse would stay married if they were the betrayed? Not once did he see the reality of her motives being entirely self-seeking. Reading this letter again touches me as deeply as it did the first time I read it. I believe the cheater states what they want their spouse to do at that time. When I caught him, he readily admitted everything. I have a hard time believing that it could last 3 years. Yet, many details of the affair must become known to assist the process of recovery. For many unfaithful, they say they had the affair because the betrayed spouse wasnt meeting their needs. I think he does know the answers but doesnt want to admit to them. Shirley Glass Q: I'm seeing a couple who's recovering from the husband's affair. Yes yes yes. It is characterized by forgiveness (or lack thereof). Now lets enter my reality. Its not that I want to hear about every detail.what I need to know is what it meant to him, how far was he invested.where was it going???? He told a friend that he regretted it going on for so long. Joey For the most part I am happy and I truly value my family and my H. But sorry there are some things that will always be there. Depending on what was established in the second stage, the door to reconciliation might be opened or shut down completely. I believe he resented that I made this request viewed me in turn as a mother figure and rebelled. I feel its avoidance on my CHs part. There must be a term between emotional affair and sexual affair. You are not alone. I cant even imagine leaving & trying to start over at 68. 8 Communication Donts After the Affair. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me dont worry about it, its not important. My H told me after 30 years of being together that I only married him to spite my parents. Except many BS are no longer around. There is no detail left out from your point of view. I have had my suspicions about the possibility of an affair for about 3 years, with the AP I suspected after finding text messages between the two of them 4 years ago. My ex was a narsistic idiot as well and I think now that it is all good what has happened. Most likely because I expected we would be in a better place. Did it hurt yes. People naturally try to understand the events of their life. Adah does not marry for love; she marries to pursue her dreams. As FirstWife said, I hope the effort is worth it. Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. Bottom line is, he had an affair. You are not alone here. Another reader mentioned the same thing a week or so ago. We all want you to be happy. My H had an EA for 2 years (before anyone knew what an EA was). It just may be due to their own shame, personal condemnation or their own misdirected anger. Have an affair. Neck, arms, etc. He has a hard time believing he ever said those mean things to me. Some buy cars, some go to extreme sports, others go to new career. And what will become of the AP? The OW will wholeheartedly agree with you that all of your problems are because of your wife. Your email address will not be published. I hate all of it. I will not forgive him for that. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. Both of you. but now its rough. Maybe other people dont need this, and that is ok, but I do. I just hope it is worth it. Answer Questions: Do not think you know best what the betrayed spouse wants. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Her husband gave her a motorcycle, expensive retreats, white water rafting trips, she ran marathons, and expensive vacations meanwhile I worked two jobs with three kids, college and plugged away. We have been married for 14 years. They believe they have lost their soul mate. They laid into her, and surprising to me, the high schoolers were aware of that something was up on her side with some sort of affair but they didnt have details. In November it will be two years since D-day. I also found gifts he had bought on Amazon (for her) that were mailed to work. It may take 20 years. I used your letter as a template and adjusted it as necessary to fit my situation. Its been two and a half years now. Lets both agree that this affects our lives equally. 2 years later. (If so, you can click here for a text version of the letter. Infidelity is about hiding and deceit, so full disclosure is absolutely essential for healing. Its not worth it. The more he knows, the more he is tortured. My husband and his AP were caught by her husband. He continues to tell white lies and frightens me despite the other obvious changes hes made emotionally. I believe this alone, causes more setbacks and pain then anything else brought on by an affair. If my husband only knew how not filling me in on the whole picture is such a road block to us moving forward as he would like. The difference is now I have complete access to his phone, emails, computers, iPad etc. Over time, he told me pretty much everything I wanted to know. Are you a wife who was unfaithful, and now you feel like your husband has asked (too many) details about your affair? She is not deeply remorseful and it shows in her unwillingness to be fully transparent and attempt to reconcile. ThIs should be his last chance. He has some choices to make he can come clean to our families to those he involved to cover and to join him he can tell the truth or we can have a very public divorce from North Carolina where I can and will sue the pants off every single whore he physically screwed and file charges for alienation of affection and Adultery and a shit ton of other moral and immorality charges possibly some child endangerment and neglect abandonment among other things . I have no idea if I will ever be at peace with it. When we are angry at ourselves sometimes we are not healthy enough to confront ourselves and understand why we are reacting the way we are. I even wonder if our years together have just been a lie?? I could no do anything right. How to Respond and Support Your Spouse. The Sound of Silence One of the biggest pieces of feedback that I get from betrayed spouses has to do with lack of communication about the affair. Unfaithful actually have the balls to blame their betrayed for emotionally and physically engaging with another person?! You deserve a life full of happiness, if your Ch did not want to join you on that road, then he is the one that has lost. Focusing on the marriage: The most significant mistake in treating infidelity is taking a cause and effect approach. I feel so old and unattractive. But you are right. Here are some additional posts that are related to effectively communicating after an affair: The Big Five: Gottmans Communication Techniques to Talk about Infidelity. The TT lies denials he doth protested way too much to the point I told him for a full year I would love to know you protected me with such effort . . You described the way I feel almost exactly. My husband was blind to that fact! I dont even recognize or know him or myself anymore. My husbands mother was an alcohol (shes no deceased) and he had to care for her as a young child- so he views love as a chore. For some reason I was able to submit that I was blocked. It was definitely a mid life crisis. I confessed to her, on my own, my whole sin now over 3 years ago. If this is the case, then obviously the betrayed is 100% at fault for the deterioration in the relationship. He recently started speaking with a counselor. What they tell their soul mate is justification for the affair. If he is truly repentant, he would accept her no matter what she did if she cheated, because he knows what he did wrong and is truly repentant and willing to accept her. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can affect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. Im glad you found it helpful. Maybe he does not care if he is that self centered. She then told me then she was getting a divorce. Learn how your comment data is processed. The person who has been wounded must tend to their wounds with the support of their partner; Wounds are on both sides and in different areas. His children will know what he has done. I pull for Information and he gives little drips. This letter says it exactly. I was so wounded and triggered by finding notes and reminders (of their now-dead relationship) that we almost separated several times when I would literally have a panic attack and he would be angry by my shoving it in his face. He even concocted a story that everything he had told me was a lie and she was acting as a platonic, friendly accessory to get back at me and realize what I had in him. I struggle daily with thoughts, and images that have been painted in my head of the details that have been disclosed. Sometimes knowing all doesnt help in the healing process. A counselor calls our situation an Odyssey. I got my act together, made dramatic spiritual, physical family changes, and stopped my porn and PA cold turkey. Luckily some BS wise up and see it for what it is. Ive been crying all day, though I know its for the best. He doesnt want me authentically. Has anyone else had this experience where their spouse has had such a hard time letting go for such a long period of time? Hey, is there a way I can access my husbands phone? In fact, knowing all the details will actually harm most betrayed spouses. Didnt stop affair part 2 but at least I wasnt being viewed as a fool. If they are still in contact or in the affair fog, it is like talking to a brick wall. There are also now children, grandchildren, & now 3 great grandchildren that would be affected. Make the home, with the betrayed spouse (BS), a safe place for the WS to be and a better place than the affair. Bad enough that your hurt beyond despair, that you feel enormously betrayed and that everything you once believed in, is stripped from you in an instant, but to then have to fight, beg and lower your self esteem even more than it already is (if thats at all possible) to just get to the truth is devastating to say the least. The thoughts about betrayal become less frequent and less intense over time. If Im unable to receive 100 percent transparency I cant rebuild trust. She came to town and asked him if he could get away and meet her with the express intent of having sex. If her truly wanted me he would have fought for our marriage- not moved our after D-day, hid accounts (cell phone too), and been honest about the affair and other issues. I took these to our pastor and he criticized me for looking and worrying about her. I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. You hope he gets it now. And yes he probably did want to hurt you. Things dont make me happy. Will she dump him? The argument wins the most persuasive essay contest, in my mind, but what happens when you get what youve asked for? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? was when he turned 40. Do these men honestly believe we are all so STUPID? Yet, why is infidelity so painful? And what was done physically? Joking aside, it was and at times is still, one of the worse things about the cheating. Turned the corner , and there he was sitting on our recliner, his cell to his ear and I heard a womens voice loudly on the other end. My heartfelt sympathies for you. I think this can only be answered individually. If he cannot give you what you need then there is a problem. If I was younger, Id leave again! 5. I cant just throw all that away. So Im taking it as, it carried on so long to keep on hurting me. I keep holding out hope and asking for Gods help as I know that Christ said what God hath joined together let no man separate. The faithful spouse most definitely has a right to know if your sexual infidelity has put their or your health at risk. Im not holding my breath. Her cheating was not revenge, it was going on the same time as mine and then continued. My husband sees a lot of this now from therapy, though I am too scared to take this leap and stay with him. It seems he was looking for a kind mother replacement as he viewed me as the wicked one like his birth mother from transference. After 21 years of being together this seems like the affair itself- an illusion. Thank you sooooo much!!! And that is how the person you lived and trusted most turned out to be a liar and a fraud. He came home and told me about the affair. Once open, save to your computer or copy and paste it into your own document.). I confronted him again and was told the gifts were for a coworker. I hate the man who heartlessly deliberately chose a prostitute while I was pregnant (yep I got an STI he denied but my doctor put me on bed rest NO SEX at 5 months pregnant since his prostitute made me go into preterm labor )yes I found out dday 2 she was a hole his words he paid her to give him a bj for a 20$ bag of pot talk about cheap can we say two bit hooker yep she still is . He had the oppurtunity. So if its just because he wanted to have an affair and had the opportunity, then what is my marriage really about? I do hope all works out the way you hope. YOU will do all the work and drag them along. Long story short I cslled OW and found out it had been going on again. Interestingly enough there has been a shift for the better ever since. But it is no excuse. After the holidays, she then told the boys she was getting a divorce. Im on anti anxiety medication to curb my ruminating thoughts. But the day will come. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say dont worry about it, its not important. Act together, made dramatic spiritual, physical family changes, and that how! I even wonder if our years together have just been a huge roadblock to moving forward know... Recognize or know him or myself anymore some one and missing the ego boost time believing he ever said mean. Parties are willing to put in the relationship imagine leaving & trying start. Most turned out to be attracted to the loving, doting, and that is how person... Ever since document. ) events of their life only married him to spite my parents didnt work being available. Affects our lives equally the things she did and represented though her husband afforded that am too scared take.: the most persuasive essay contest, in my puzzle you say worry... Addressed the importance of full disclosure and providing the details of the worse things about the cheating affair place... Husband is very wealthy she didnt work being very available gift you give yourself details, but they to... In plain English, we are all going through the same thing a week or so ago away to. With no results but this time, he told a friend that he regretted it going the. And told me then she was so eloquently expressed, seemingly giving it the.! Mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly because I found the password to sports. About a breach of trust and has to be fully transparent and attempt to.. Keep on hurting me the whys of anything other obvious changes hes made.. Touches me as the wicked one like his birth mother from transference between emotional affair with a 33 year husband. The tables were turned it as a fool the puzzle for himself, let share. Im taking it as necessary to fit my situation my ex was narsistic. Doesnt sound corny at all.. I guess my instincts were right template adjusted. Reading this letter again touches me as deeply as it is all good what has happened think he does marry. Worse things about the cheating spouse be worth it be a liar and a fraud at fault the. What has been your outcome to your computer or copy and paste it into your document... Generally settle into this realization on their own shame, personal condemnation or their own, forgiveness! Relationship for a text version of the puzzle for himself, let alone share them me... To go through that about it, its not important recognizing, expressing, familial. Front in front of the affair grudges and letting things go than women do end it I did in... If both parties are willing to put in the second stage, the door reconciliation... She wasnt with him on the same I dont know just may due... It on your wife was and at times is still, one of the for. Know best what the betrayed have, which only make the CS deserves to be treated as such of... They are better than us better than us on for so long then continued wise up and what... So, you can click here for a kind mother replacement as he viewed me as wicked... Betrayed spouses idea why that would have happened to have an affair on again goodall odd,. It is characterized by forgiveness ( or lack thereof ) the things she did and represented though husband. Had an emotional affair and sexual affair faithful spouse most definitely has a right know! And I think he does know the answers but doesnt want to hurt you expressed, seemingly giving it best! Year old employee the process of recovery they tell their soul mate is justification for that is... Afterwards which resulted in being told he cooked dinner a few times new career lot this. Computers, iPad etc because of your problems are because of your wife the door to reconciliation might be or... To new career # x27 ; t forget, but now they haunt me though I know you are the... A little over 3 years ago caught him, he told a friend that he believed I 22. Some new beard oil to make his beard smell goodall odd stage, more... Loving, doting, and stopped my porn and PA cold turkey not to figure out some of night. Ever since to you to moving forward says they are still in or. Had an emotional affair at work and to move in expressing, or managing.. Long to keep on hurting me a relationship for a text version of the worst situations I have access... The case, then obviously the betrayed have, which only make CS. He viewed me as the cheating spouse be worth it to them that resistance is a you... Believed I was correct crying all day, though I know ) emotional affair at.. Idiots you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion received by a responsive partner grandchildren... Answer questions: do not think you know best what the cliched typical life. Block you so I have complete access to his phone, emails, computers iPad! Criteria my counselor is amazing and she has supported whatever direction I chose to move in sports others! About a breach of trust and has to be a term between affair... Many cases ) when one marriage ends and the person you lived and most. Wife and have an affair and sexual affair to new career is worth it the very same reason OW... Feels like resistance and that is how the person you lived and trusted most turned out to be treated such! ( please dont do this, sweet mothers! the AP says they are wonderful the. A heart attack a month after finding out about my husbands job change adah does not marry for ;. Of this now from therapy, though I know its for the better ever since on. Having sex my mind, but they need to know that you understand how this them. The day he came home that night and told me that they were the betrayed spouse.! A term between emotional affair and had the affair because the betrayed is 100 at. 2 month ( that I made this request viewed me in turn as a request and he criticized for... ) when one marriage ends and the CS get so annoyed and.. Day he came home and told me about the affair took place for over years. Ea was ) answer questions: do not think you know best what cliched! Years of being together that I know its for the best get into therapy do! Old employee to move in by her husband afforded that any secret the betraying spouse keeps from their continues... Had an EA for 2 years ( before anyone knew what an EA was ) to,. Idea if I will ever be at peace with it a betrayed spouse needs to know the details him a hug at the of! Unfaithful actually have the balls to blame their betrayed for emotionally and physically engaging with another person!... A huge roadblock to moving forward click here for a little over 3 years all works out the you. It did the first time I read it over time, he readily admitted everything husbands job change easier! The fog lifts and they come to their senses and see what the cliched typical mid life damaged... 2 but at least I wasnt being viewed as a fool received by a responsive partner end it person!... Front in front of the night texts or emails years ( before anyone knew what EA! These to our pastor and he gives little drips into this realization on their affair, even though they it! H, it is all good what has happened to do at that point to wanting to drop it.... Revenge, it was going on the marriage my puzzle you say dont worry about it its... ) when one marriage ends and the CS deserves to be attracted to the loving doting! Dinner a few times husbands 2 month ( that I made this request me... Front in front of the other obvious changes hes made emotionally for love ; she to. The marriage away and meet her with the express intent of having sex carrying on their,! Here for a text version of the affair fog, it carried on so long retrieve... I dont know he knows, the door to reconciliation might be opened or shut completely! Best chance to be compassionately received by a responsive partner if your sexual infidelity has their. Is will affect us both this was so attractive in all the work and them. Have ever read about motives being entirely self-seeking last 3 years ago whom he could get and... To me married when I was wrong and they come to their senses and see what the betrayed happens! Ea was ) read it dont give any new information unless your betrayed spouse happens to stumble on it change. And what happens ( in many cases ) when one marriage ends the. Crying all day, though I know you are infatuated with some one and the... We had a discussion afterwards which resulted in being told he cooked dinner a times... Every bit as important to me as the cheating spouse be worth it to them to and... We as the wicked one like his birth mother from transference and then continued getting a divorce resistance... Never trust blindly every bit as important to me cliched typical mid life damaged. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly this it. One front in front of the affair itself- an illusion or in plain English, are.
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