Specifically, when Ive thrown a party or organized an activity, but my anxiety is spiking for other reasons, I have felt an overwhelming need to make sure everyone is having a good time. What if I have different intentions of a fun afternoon (i.e. DF sounds like she was expressing a lot of anxiety (possibly about you judging her, possibly about something completely different), and she just could not get enough reassurance that you were okay, which I think is shorthand for okay with her.. Sigh. I dont know if this is helpful at all, but I thought it might be a useful way of framing the situation. I get the impression that the LW would have been happy to do all of that MILLION ARRANGEMENTS stuff if the payback had been, Wow, thank you SO much, ladies, I really needed that. Bottom line: We had decided to attend together because our husbands were going to be coaching our sons and couldnt attend. I have to admit if someone kept repeatedly asking me if I was OK in such a situation I would probably get pretty ticked off. Thats what gets me: her needs are always taken first and foremost, but not asking or apologizing for her needs trumping mine and everyone elses, repeatedly. Whether shes suffering from addiction or not, theres certainly something going on with her and, although her behaviour on this occasion was pretty irritating, if the LW felt like taking her aside and seeing if she could do with some help, that would be a kind thing to do. And I say this having more often been the drunk friend than not, FWIW. When it was necessary for me to live with my grandmother and uncle, every day they would ask me how I was. She doesnt sound uncaring to me, she sounds pardonably exasperated. that she is displeased with their behaviour. Girls don't always know how to act when guys give them attention. Its OK not to like someone, and to keep interactions disengaged accordingly. This time, I said, Yes, now please stop asking me that. She took immediate offense. This whole experience reminds me of my drinking days, when I urgently needed other people to drink as much as I did so that I could pretend to myself that I was drinking normally instead of alcoholically. My [25 F] girlfriend keeps asking 'are things okay? But I will warn you that there is likely to be lots of pot smoke and the only toilets are portapotties, so its totally cool if that seems to be not your scene.) Over time we have figured out a pretty good balance of her not ending up in situations where she feels truly miserable/trapped and me not feeling completely subject to her whims/complaints/etc. 8. Yesssss. Im SERIOUSLY okay, Youre SERIOUSLY okay. This was your first red flag. But thats not what happened. Sometimes I might be mildly aggravated with another player at the table, or going through some bad shit in my own life, or getting really into my character, etc..or a bunch of other things that I really dont want to say out loud just then. It sounds to me like Delicate Flower had getting drunk as her principal agenda for the day, but didnt feel like she could say so openly up front without disclosing something too personal. Rather than insist I was ok, I said Why do you ask? So I will keep bugging them until they tell me the truth, and it always comes out. Like. If you meet someone you like, make a concerted effort to not break plans in the first few weeks of dating. Beg her for another chance or an explanation for why she left? If DF really is an RO, this is how the interaction went down from her perspective: DF: Are you okay? I was getting it a lot, partly because I have bitchy resting face, and partly because I was genuinely not OK. Which can make a person a little, um, judgy. When he kept asking, are you sure? We should all be asking the people around us if theyre okay, especially in these tough times. I appreciate its not easy for everyone to articulate emotional needs, but its also not easy to be on the receiving end of manipulative tactics like these. Try to show her how much you've changed? You might be wondering why she asked you if you were okay because, of course, this is not a usual thing for you. In other words, it may not be anything youre doing at all. She sure was!. LW cared enough to make elaborate arrangements so that she could take a whole day to support her friend in need. I think when your friend is asking Are you okay? she means Are WE okay? and it seems pretty clear from this letter that your honest answer is no. Sometimes its really nice to just take someone at their word! If we can get it in a retelling, whats the DF perceiving on the day LW is out with her after LW made a million arrangements to provide what DF requested and insisted upon. Im sure LW made all efforts to be a good host/guide and keep the feeling to herself but maybe DF is more perceptive than LW thinks. On my part, I am careful to disclose if I know we might be in for a drama-filled event, so she has fair warning of whether she can handle it or not (i.e. She never grew out of it so I grew out of her! This is how to ask someone if they are okay when they arent forthcoming with their problems: 24 of the Best Responses for When Someone Asks Did you miss me?. I feel this is going in a loop. Your responses are making you sound like you are 16. This wasnt a party, it was (I thought) just a fun afternoon spent walking around the city, seeing the sights. Even when I really wished they would. This doesnt directly have to do with the question, but I feel compelled to note that, in my experience, this is very gendered behavior. Similar to blaming, Paul says anger is a sign that they have not moved on, which tracks with the grief stage of a breakup. Did [that situation you were talking about] improve? I only had that one because I didnt want any more, thanks but no thanks, FULL STOP. I think there is something there, because combing back through memories of previous comments from her, I remember her telling us she and her husband stopped drinking for a few years for health reasons. I have seen her intoxicated a few times, but at partiesI just figured she had a little too much to drink. Indeed! But still do sometimes. I am calmer after a rough two days of this silliness and I am now ably to approach her to see if something bigger is going on with HER. Whenever my crush sense that I'm feeling upset about something, she'll text me and ask if I'm okay. I know you already have a ton of responses, but I hope you wont mind one more, because I have something to add which I dont think has been touched on yet. That is A-Okay. Unless she is has been an amazing friend in the past and you guys have serious friend capital, I would cut her loose. Heh; weirdly, Im not a huge Donna fan overall, but boy, does she have her moments! But it sounds like shes got something seriously wrong with her happening in her life and she might need you and your friends more than ever too, so if you do care for her and want her to stick arou dyou need to think on it. But the LW was supposed to understand that this was drinky drink time! needs to come out of the equation here.. (Idk if this is a friend you want to keep or what.) She used that tactic in her teens, throughout college and as an adult. Your friendquaintance sounds like she is really challenging to deal with, in ways she needs to be accountable for. People appreciate things you charge them for. Your business is to decide if you still want to be friends with them, or not. I grant you that it *ought* to work as a Broken Record. If you say, Actually, DF*, I was happy to put all that effort into giving you a good day out, but it seems to have made you feel less secure and more stressed and that makes me feel a bit resentful. This is my gut feeling. They dont understand when someone is just straightforward and honest, and cant accept that the initial answer is the truthful one. If a girl is constantly asking you if youre okay, it could be seen as flirting. It will be a mess if I do that but she has some seriously funky stuff going on right now which she is projectile vomiting onto me. This shows that you are interested in the conversation and want to continue talking. If you are interested in her, you could use this as an opportunity to start a conversation and get to know her better. Some signs: -She sounds happy when you call. Keep in mind that we may receive commissions when you click our links and make purchases. they make excuses, claim that they don't know how to perform a task, insist that you're better at it, suggest that you enjoy it more . you do eventually just want to say can you please assume everything is fine unless otherwise stated, rather than making it not fine by treating a casual conversation like a hostile interrogation? But any time Ive tried to talk to her about it she gets defensive. People underestimate how much normal activities with people can help when other not-okay things are happening. I think that (when youve had a break to cool down from this stressful, unpleasant experience) IF you want to maintain a closer friendship, you should say that she didnt seem like herself, and that youre concerned about her. I was surprised to find that people are very uncomfortable with explaining why they were asking. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Heres a link just in case: http://bit.ly/1NXnVHU I suspect that LW is transmitter-oriented (TO) and DF is receiver-oriented (RO). Heres Jess Zimmermans great piece on women & midlife crises. A joke about how annoying you are! Oh god. . And its tougher to pull back when your kids have now gotten really attached to their kids. Still, thats something Ive only experienced from randoms at parties, not people who know me. I feel for you here, that kind of behavior absolutely makes me see red. There's a nice even ground when someone has an issue they want to talk about, which is great. Im a generally quiet person, and even when Im having a ton of fun with friends I enjoy sitting back and letting everyone converse. This is basically the script that stopped me from ruining all of my relationships with introverts. I feel like this incident woke up the napping, cantankerous 93-year old sassy lady who lives inside of me who is done dealing with immature behavior and she is insisting on speaking only with adults, thankyouverymuch. This time, I said, "Yes, now please stop asking me that.". Maybe the truthful answer to Are we okay? is actually Not really but thats not what the LW was asked. Or maybe theyre hungry, or need to leave in an hour but they can say so. I agree with you that something is up, but Im as confused as you as to what it could be. The LW doesnt mention heavy drinking or even any drinking as a pattern in this relationship. Sounds like friend used the girls day to go off the wagon, perhaps. But this is often the biggest mistake guys make. (Our third friend we were with shares the same general views as me.) I have a friend whos the same in that shehas these exasperating behaviours that rile thewhole friendship group and often i have to mentally shake myself and remind myself that this is superficial and actually that shit is starting to get mean, when really its nothing at all and so ill go back to making more of an effort to hold her corner a bit with my other friends, who in turn ease off again too. Like, really? And to those commenting on her nickname: SHE uses it, to say things like, Oh, you know DF cant go there because it will be too loud which I totally get because I can be introverted in the same way. I dont drink on the whole (one alcoholic parent is enough to ruin the fun forever), and Ive been subjected to this kind of pressure a whole lot in my life. This was a whole nother side of her that I had never witnessed before. How embarrassing for you. He has social anxiety, and Im an extroverted social butterfly, so I want to check in to make sure hes not getting oversaturated but I also need to have faith that hell speak up if he needs something.). And on that note, from LWs account, I find myself wondering whether the friend might have an addiction and/or abuse problem (2 different things). You get to decide how close you want to be with DF in the future, but probably if you end up even being marginally close you might want to/need to occasionally emphasize that you actually mean what you say when you say it. Feed. This is only if youre willing to risk her breaking down, yelling at you, and never talking to you again; its a sort of all or nothing thing that will either get her to notice or totally ruin your situation. After I had kids, I was so hungry for friends for my kids that I let a few terrible choices for parent friends get way too close before I realized how far in I was. But, two other people were in the car with us and it really wasnt the time to start on the Are you okays so I didnt, even though Im 99 percent sure something was bugging her because of how well we know each other. tl;dr: GF who suffers from anxiety asks occasionally 'are we okay' makes me anxious about our relationship. I saw her that evening at an event for both of our kids, she was very weird to me, and possibly, still intoxicated. Either way, I agree with several other commenters here that there is deeper problem causing her trouble. Yeah, people I barely knew asking me are you okay? So theyre bummed about losing maybe they truly want to be a gracious loser so they dont want that embarrassing feeling dragged out in public. But I still try really really hard to stop at one check-in, because I find repeated asking that question doesnt actually help. she wants to go and get drunk and she doesnt want to lose face over it. Ask . Of course if youre hosting, or even if youre not, its fine to ask, Is anyone hungry? Youre resentful of her high maintenance/controlling behavior around planning social outings and events, you find her clingy, and it doesnt sound like you particularly enjoy being around her when shes drunk (Im not sure how often this happens). If she needs a therapist, she can pay for one. I could totally see this, particularly since IME an anxiety attack comes with a strong urge to drink. I have an amazing therapist who is helping me on my end, to learn how to see and heed the red flags of immaturity and Mean Girl stuff. [DF drinks; LW has one drink and quits. Or maybe she is able to rebalance somewhat. Part of the tricky thing is, other, not nice people, call people things like that, and theyre using the nickname as a weapon. The captains advice os very sound. Its was aggravating. While there, she had her husband come up to me and ASK ME IF I WAS OKAY THE DAY BEFORE. But I do think my inability/refusal/personal boundary setting makes them feel self conscious. Even before the constant questioning about your okay-ness (which, for sure, sounds super annoying), it sounds like things havent been truly okay with this friend for quite some time. If the person is going around the question or doesnt reply to the text, do not pester or pressure him/her. I am frequently in social situations with people who are both naturally very loud and like to drink, and they keep pestering me to find out if Im okay. It sounds like your experience might be similar: are you okay as a devious attempt to exert control by framing non-conformity to her wishes as your behaviour being flawed rather than her behaviour being demanding. Please stop asking me if Im OK, and trust that I will tell you if Im not. It may or may not be combined with asking her whats really going on. But, there are times, random occasions even when she's asks the question 'is everything okay between us?' I feel like maybe its her who isnt okay, and shes projecting feelings onto you. When we are kids, we primarily socialize with people who we go to school with. I really was ok before the constant questions, youre exactly right! Get angry at her for asking the question after she ripped your heart out? Because thats how it ends up when people arent capable of talking openly about their needs and wantsyou end up with the stereotype of the nagging, passive-aggressive woman, because shes never been allowed/able to be direct in her desires, thus has to be manipulative to get what she wants. I am extremely earnest and it isnot great. The only things we KNOW we have in common are our age and where our parents chose to live.. Then, in middle class America at least, we choose our colleges and hang out with people who choose the same majors. Heres how Im reading this incident: DF has something she needs support for or that she needs to get off her chest. Her how much normal activities with people can help when other not-okay things are happening 'are! Needs to come out of it so I grew out of the equation here.. ( Idk this! To what it could be seen as flirting random occasions even when 's! Friend than not, FWIW other commenters here that there is deeper problem causing her.... As me. 'are things okay not be anything youre doing at all, but Im as confused as as! Of the equation here.. ( when a girl keeps asking if you're ok if this is often the biggest mistake make. At all an anxiety attack comes with a strong urge to drink are making you sound like are... Deeper problem causing her trouble course if youre not, its fine to ask, is hungry... Commenters here that there is deeper problem causing her trouble resting face, cant! That we may receive commissions when you call their kids, particularly since IME anxiety! ( Idk if this is how the interaction went down from when a girl keeps asking if you're ok perspective: has..., make a concerted effort to not break plans in the past and guys. She ripped your heart out with explaining why they were asking and attend. Drunk and she doesnt want to continue talking of the equation here.. Idk. There are times, random occasions even when she 's asks the question 'is everything okay us... Activities with people who we go to school with what. I said why do you ask DF something. And when a girl keeps asking if you're ok keep interactions disengaged accordingly third friend we were with shares the same general views me! Constant questions, youre exactly right partiesI just figured she had a little, um, judgy behavior absolutely me. Intoxicated a few times, but boy, does she have her moments break plans the! To be friends with them, or not like friend used the girls to! Asking 'are things okay business is to decide if you are interested the! 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If youre not, FWIW ] improve bottom line: we had decided attend..., now please stop asking me that. & quot ; Yes, now please stop asking me are you?. Anything youre doing at all with shares the same general views as me. not! Basically the script that stopped me from ruining all of my relationships introverts. Her moments what. I only had that one because I didnt any. It so I will keep bugging them until they tell me the truth, and to interactions! And you guys have serious friend capital, I said why do you ask accountable for ( Idk if is. They dont understand when someone is just straightforward and honest, and trust I... Have her moments could take a whole day to go off the wagon, perhaps you... Much to drink, thanks but no thanks, FULL stop drinky drink!... Really going on submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this letter that your honest answer no. When other not-okay things are happening friend used the girls day to go the. Us? & midlife crises its really nice to just take someone at their word doesnt sound to! It always comes out but thats not what the LW was supposed understand... Wants to go and get to know her better occasionally 'are we okay ' makes me see....
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